There's Always a Simple Solution
by Droll Notion
Summary: Kyle's struggles with his love life lead him to drastic measures. Crack-ish.


**Author's Notes: I was looking back at this old picture I drew of Mr. Hankie and Kyle frolicking and I got this idea… **

**While I do not blame Trey Parker or Matt Stone for the horrors of my weird-ass writing, I do give them credit for the original characters. **

* * *

"This is great. I really feel like we have a deep connection, you know?"

Kyle smiled across the table at Katherine. Honestly, he had no fucking clue what she was talking about. "Yeah..." wanting to change the subject, he quickly added, "It's funny, this is actually the first time I've dated inside my religion."

Her overly glossed lips stretched to match his smile, "My parents have talked about me marrying a nice Jewish man since I came out of the womb. They'll be so excited to meet you!"

Kyle coughed, not really knowing how to react to that. This chick did not know first date etiquette. Marriage? Parents? Jesus...

Realizing what was wrong, Katherine tilted her head to the side, "I thought you said you were looking for a long term relationship?"

"Well... Yeah, but- Never mind, it's fine," he really didn't want to fuck another date up.

They sat in an awkward silence for a few minutes before Katherine finally tried to make conversation again. "What do you think about children?"

Once again, bad first date topic. But Kyle still had high hopes. She was probably just nervous... "Um, I don't know. Kids are okay..."

She sighed, "I'd really like to have another baby-"

Kyle had to interrupt, "Wait. Did you just say ANOTHER baby?"

"I have two daughters and a son. Wait, here," she pulled a picture out of her purse, handing it out to Kyle.

In the picture there were three kids. But what... 'Caught his eye' was Katherine surrounded by five skinny, curly red-headed men behind the kids. Kyle took a deep breath, wondering if he REALLY wanted to ask the question he was about to ask. "Why are there five men who look like me in this picture?"

Katherine laughed, "Oh, yeah. I'm a polygamist," she gave him a sultry look, "And I have a thing for red heads..."

Kyle looked between her and the picture, mouth wide open. There were a million things going through his head. Was that even legal in theU.S.? Didn't she think that was sort of an important thing to mention? Kids?

The chair next to him pulled out and he released it was one of the men from the picture. "Hey. Name's Greg," he set his hand gently on top of Kyle's, "Can't wait for you to become my next brother-husband."

Kyle tried his best not to look mortified. Taking a deep breath, he was about to reply. Suddenly, the waiter came up, "Are you ready to order?"

Looking between the picture, Katherine, Greg and the waiter a few times, Kyle became completely overwhelmed. "I- um.. I have to go to the bathroom..." He got up and started to run.

"Sir!" the waiter yelled, "The lavatory is the other way-" Kyle was already out of the restaurant, and could be seen running passed the large window out front.

...

This was the happiest Kyle had been in a long time. Snuggling with a hot chick in front of a warm open fire. For the first time in a long time, Christmas didn't seem so lonely...

Suddenly he felt his stomach rumble. "Oh, hey," he tapped Amy on the shoulder, "Got to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

As he was shitting, a Christmas miracle happened. Out of his ass sprang Mr. Hankie! The poo flew up to the counter on a trail of magic glitter. Blinking his long eyelashes, he smiled a wet brown smile, and gave a long wave of his arm, "Howdy Ho!"

"Mr. Hankie!" Kyle shouted happily, "I didn't think you were going to come this year!"

"Of course I came, Kyle! You've been eating plenty of fiber; just look at how full and healthy I look!" He rubbed his white gloved hands all over himself.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, "Kyle, is everything okay in there?"

"Yeah, come in! Meet my friend," Kyle called.

Amy open the door, "Are you feeling okay..." her eyes wondered to the piece of shit on the counter.

It grinned at her, "Howdy Ho! You must be Kyle's girlfriend," it hopped towards her, leaving little shit marks where ever it touched, "You sure do smell all nice and flowery!"

Amy screamed, running out of her soon to be ex-boyfriend's apartment.

...

Kyle sighed, resting his head on his hands.

Kenny patted his shoulder sympathetically. "You know what I think?" he asked.

"Huh?" Kyle looked up miserably.

"It would just be easier to forget woman all together."

Cartman nodded, raising his drink, "I hear that!" Leaning on the couch, he took a big swig of it.

"That's easy for both of you to say..." Kyle sniffed, "But I'm STRAIT," he stressed the last word with disgust.

"Hey!" Kenny crossed his arms, "I AM strait. When you're with a guy, you just have to use a little imagination!" He gestured to Cartman, "Try it out on him. He's been dying to get in your pants since he knew what that saying meant!"

"Yeah, why don't you take me for a test run, Jew?" Cartman suggested enthusiastically. Damn if he wasn't going to fucking jump on that opportunity like a dog in heat on a squeak toy.

Facing turning an embarrassed red, Kyle thought for a moment, "Well... I suppose Cartman's moobs are so big that if I reached around and squeezed them, that it would be just like fucking an obese woman-"

"Ay!" Cartman interjected.

Ignoring him, Kyle waved effeminately, placing his head in his other hand, "But I couldn't..."

Cartman waved his eyebrows suggestively, "Would you rather me be the designated driver?"

"I'm confused..." Kenny muttered.

Kyle stood up, walking towards Cartman, his tone deep and husky, "Only if you promise not to dirty talk, cause you obviously suck at it."

With the final whispered, "Deal," Kyle wrapped his arms Cartman. In return, the brunette raised his brow, throwing his beer across the room. It broke against the wall with a loud smash. They began to make out feverishly to the sound of they're Korean neighbors yelling at them through the thin wall of their apartment.

Stan walked into the room, "Is everything okay? I heard a crash and-" he saw his two friends making out, and stopped in his tracks. "HEY!" he yelled. Everyone looked up at him. Stan's eyelids lowered seductively, "Up for a three-way?"

Cartman and Kyle smiled at each other, and than at Stan. Stan grinned back, going over and joint the hug. "Let Kenny in on this!" Kenny shouted in third person, walking towards them with arms wide open. But before he could reach them, he tripped on the fan cord and fell out an open window. Cartman, Stan and Kyle leaned out the window, watching as their friend fell down the four-stories onto the street. Cars swerved to not hit his lifeless body, and a huge pile-up began to form.

"Oh my God!" Stan screamed, "You killed Kenny!"

Kyle pointed to the fan, "You bastard!"

Shitting the window, the three men stood their in a minute in silence. Than they broke out in laughter; Stan threw up from laugher so hard. Cartman put his arms around both of his friend's shoulders, "I love you guys."

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**Author's Notes: 'Don't Stop Believin' plays at the end there. That's song that should play the end of every movie.**

**I had hard time uploading this one… And I really wanted to upload this right away –don't ask why, I just had the story upload jitters-, and since it's the middle of the night, the person I usually send my stories to -to check and tell me I'm stupid- was asleep. So… let me know what I did wrong, and I'll fix it. **

**Or you can just comment for shits and giggles. Don't have anything to say about my story? Tell me about your day, your sexual preferences, your favorite color. I'm totally open. **


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